Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Every Four Minutes

It's been a rough few days.
My son had another seizure, back home in St. Louis, just 4 days after I returned to Seattle from a month long visit there.
A visit which was made due to receiving a terrifying middle-of-the-night phone call telling me that he was in the ER on a respirator after suffering his first seizure.
And then this second phone call, with the same terrible news, on Sunday afternoon. (my poor daughter!)
Two seizures in a months time.
The typical tests were run, and repeated, with *no results found of brain abnormalties to be causing the seizures.
So he joins the ranks of the close to 60 million people worldwide who are diagnosed with Epilepsy...
one new diagnosis every four minutes.
I am coming to discover that Epilepsy is just basically a term for *unexplained seizures.

After spending about 5 hours researching, reading and gathering information online, I feel both "better" & "worse" about his diagnosis.

"Better" because he is not facing brain surgery.
"Better" because I know it could be so much worse.
"Better" because I know there are medications he can take to help reduce his chance to have seizures.
"Better" because in and of itself, seizures themselves are not typically life-threatening.
"Better" because there are many choices he can make to help reduce his chances of recurring seizures.

"Worse" because there is no "cure" for Epilepsy.
"Worse" because I fear that he will not accept the challenge of taking responsibility for his health.
(ie: taking meds, improved lifestyle habits- sleep & diet, etc.)
"Worse" because I am discovering how widely varied the term "epilepsy" covers-there is so much information on the condition, yet still so little, and every single case is different in hundreds of little ways.
"Worse" because it IS a life long, life changing challenge to manage this condition.
"Worse" because I am his mom & he is my baby,(even at age 23!) and there is nothing I can do to make him better.

That makes me feel helpless.
And sad.
And scared.
And mad.
And shitty.

But I also know that this is not about me and how I feel, it is about him & how I CAN help him.
Even though he is 23 and we live over 2,000 miles apart.
So after a day of being in emotinal overload, despair, and distress,
I am ready to arm myself with the best weapon of defense...

That's all I can do, for myself and for him.
Encourage & support him however he needs it.
Communicate & share information I believe can benefit him.
And hope that he rises to the challenge of doing whatever he can to stay as healthy and happy as possible.
Trust and believe in his ability to do that.
And above all,
do what moms do best of all, no matter what and unconditionally.
Love him.
And oh, how I love that boy of mine.

Send him some light & strength, please, if you are so inclined.
I could use some too.
Thank you.

Happy Me-Laurie Z


  1. Sending you soft hugs and healing thoughts, Laurie. I can't imagine exactly how you're feeling right now, but know that you're loved and supported by the Divine and your Goddess Cirlce sisters.



  2. Oh, Laurie. I'm all teary-eyed, your love and concern for your son just comes leaping off the screen. My heart goes out to you and I believe in your strength. Sending you both bushels of light and love and health and I'm keeping you in my prayers. <3 <3 <3