I know I will likely sound like kind of a "dork" even saying this-but I have to share that as soon as my head hit the pillow last night, my mind suddenLY filled with about a billion & one things that I wanted to say on this blog! I mean, it was one of those "I should get up and write all of this down!" times...but of course, I didn't because I figured I was just sort of pumped up that I had finally just started this thing after wanting to for so long and my brain would soon tire of thinking...but nope, I was awake on & off for hours, with random snippets of topics and words and lines and opinions and experiences and such that I thought would just HAVE to be part of a future days blog...I even had this weird little dream about seeing my blog on my laptop screen! (must have been from yesterdays photo I posted)...
so anyway, I am somewhat ashamed to admit that although I woke around 8 am to do the doggie potty-feed duty, I crawled right back into bed, and didn't emerge again until almost ELEVEN THIRTY A.M.! And all of those thoughts & words keeping me going all night long? Well, they were asleep most all day long while other thoughts awoke & kept me hostage all day ...'cause here it is, almost 10:30 pm and I am just sitting down to write!
I guess one of the reasons this blog is so on my mind is that, in typical "me" fashion, I have viewed it as something that I have so admired in others by enjoying many other blogs over the past few years and just wishing that I could be so interesting, so charming, so informative, so enlightened, so crafty, so (insert adjective here)...and although I know I like to talk (just look at any of my grade school report cards which always had the teachers comment of a variation on "Laurie is such a joy to have in class but she tends to talk too much"...!) and often my talking tends to veer off about random, unrelated subjects (just ask my friends daughter H. who once looked at me in the middle of a conversation and exclaimed "Do you even HEAR yourself?!", along with having the habit of raising her hand to be able to get a word into a conversation between her mom & me!), I think alot of what kept me from starting this blog (and many other things I'd like to start) is the "F word": Fear...
Who's gonna care what I have to say? Who's gonna wanna read it? How can I POSSIBLY have anything as interesting to say as all the bloggers I like to read? What if no one reads it? What if someone reads it but doesn't LIKE it?
I can be such a perfectionist...although I KNOW I am not perfect, and not much of what I do that I think I can halfway do even ends up close to perfect nor am I the "type A" kind of person, it is a different kind of perfectionism...it is the kind where I often think that others ARE perfect-at least they seem that way compared to ME-and if I cannot equal that, then why bother? I have put off even trying/starting so many things, because it feels so overwhelming, I fear I can never "measure up", that I will fail...and then, last night, in the middle of all the excitement turned doubt, I had one of those (yes, I'm gonna channel her...) "AHA! moments":
Just WHO am I writing this blog FOR? WHY did I want to write it at all anyway? Are my posts going to be geared towards someone specific or some certain topic? And the answer came to me almost immediately as the questions were coming...ME! I am doing this for ME and I can write about whatever I want to write about and I am going to be reading it and I am the only one who should care about what I write about and I am writing because I WANT TO! I am often so much harder on myself than ANYone else! So what exactly was I worried about, what was keeping me from having started this (and other things) long ago?
huh...there it was. So simple, and yet so complex. I like to say/pretend that I don't care what others think, and I constantly encourage others to do what makes THEM happy, and yet...I could not even comprehend or recognize this when it came to myself.
Ok, so-blog post day 2: another yakky post about the revelation of ME...(how boring, I'm sure). But you know what? I am pretty certain that by committing to write this blog, it will without a doubt change at least one persons life- make it better, richer , more interesting and more expanded, as well as teach many lessons...and I think we both (assuming there is at least ONE other person readng this!) know who that person is...
HAPPY ME-LAURIE Z!